As I was huffing and puffing during my kickboxing class today and seeing myself in the MIRROR, I had to shake my head and say why...
Why did I fail the last time I lost 35 pounds,
Or the time before that when I lost 40 pounds,
Or the time before that,
You know the cycle.
I have a long way to go and all I could think of was why will this time be different? It made me think back to the "reasons" or my motivation in the past to go on the diet of that year. One notable time was after my second son was born when I was 40. He was a surprize birthday present but a wonderful one. I worked out like a fiend when I was pregnant so when he was born I didn't have too much to lose and I did it easily. I was a happy wife, mom and career woman. At that time my Dad was quite sick and had to have a leg amputated due to type 2 diabeties. That was really hard on him and my Mom and then leaned on me a lot. I had to stretch myself even more which to me means - bad eating and no exercise. I became very stressed. Then he passed away and that compounded the situation. There were a few years of eating and drinking too much; the drinking to numb me and the difficult emotions and the eating to comfort me. I was up over 200 and I had never been there; the high 100's but never over that mark. Then I found out my husband of 19 years was cheating on me with my best friend - in a split second I lost my best friend and I thought my husband. We went to councilling and I thought - if I lost weight and looked more attractive to him he would be happy again. I lost about 40 pounds and looked fantastic but alas, he was a jerk and cheated again so out he went. Needless to say I was betrayed again, sad and very alone which meant I gained the 40 pounds back and more.
Mom got more frail as she had COPD and was very dependent on my sister and I. She passed away when I was 45. I ate more and drank more. The cycle of gain and loss continued a few times up to last year when again I was back over 200 and celebrated my 50th birthday. I was finally healing from the tragedies of my 40's when I went to work one day and was laid off after 31 years. Wow, how much can one person take. The say that the most stressful events a person has to deal with in life is the loss of health, loss of a loved one and loss of a job. Bam, bam, bam.
Last summer was a really hard time again but with the time off I realized I had to get my life back in order. The problem this time was I wanted to lose weight specifically for the reason of finding someone. I stayed on a program for about 3 months when I had to slow down my exercise due to my foot injury and I started eating and drinking too much again - I got careless and watched each pound come back on. It didn't happen overnight, I was very aware that I moved up one size, then another. I was the one back out buying XL clothes and size 16/18.
So here I am again. But this time does feel so different. There is a great post by Lyn regarding reasons that is a worth while read. I did a few times. Now I want to try to explain my present reasons:
1. I want to do this for me. I want to be healthier and even if I live alone I want to do it with lots of spring in my step.
2. I've set very challenging long term goals. Not the goal of fitting into a dress or losing weight for an event. I want to get down to my weight I was at in my 20's and maintain it.
3. I have a plan and I am being so much more open with my program and my progress - that's where the blog plays a role. I am so glad I stumbled on this. It is so therapeutic and is a commitment in itself.
4. I am much more educated on what I need to eat to be more healthy and what exercise feels the best. I am not on a points system or a program. I am cutting fat, and eating a heart healthy 1500 calorie limit each day. I watch my sodium, types of fats, carbs and protien. I am eating lots of fruits and veggies, taking flaxseed and the recommended vitamins. Oh yah and drinking lots of water and no wine.
I figure when I am successful, my self esteem will be so much stronger than before. I will be out of the house and more active that I am convinced my soulmate will find me. But like I said even if it's not meant to be, I will have gained so many more friends. I am choosing health and happiness...
Be happy too.